Cross it off, chalk it off

No better time than the present right? We can go ahead and cross off the trusty Bucket list,

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I know I said from the beginning that I was well aware that there would be days when I would be totally and completely out of my comfort zone. I said it like I was perfectly fine with it-- which I thought I would be. Thought it would be new and fun and exciting. I couldn't have been more wrong. I am, always have been, the type of person to own up to my mistakes, to own what I've done and admit when I am wrong. With that, I was always forgiven; it was always a lesson learned.

Well, I suppose, here's my big, warm "welcome to the real world." I have spent the past two days in tears, on edge and more than ever, wanting my old life back. I would, without question, trade the past two days for the worse days training, ever had to offer. For ladder drills up to twenty and back down again, for being put in the circle, for a timed 5k on a torn hamstring or a kick to the face with the mirror breaking my fall. I'd take a loss to someone I've already beaten, I'd take the mental games, the put downs, the let downs and the tears. I'd take it all because I knew it was worth it. I knew that the day would end and the next day would begin-- maybe better, maybe worse.  There was no denying that eventually, days or weeks or months down the road, there would be one day where it was all worth it. Where every drop of blood, sweat and tears would pay off in pride and glory and success.

Looking at the situation like that, I suppose that's life. There are, and always will be, days where people knock you down, put you down and even kick you when you're already down & the worse part? There is no center referee to break it up, to make the calls, to warn you or deduct points. It is just you against your opponent, and these days, that opponent may very well be the entire world-- or at least, what feels like the entire world.

There were many times I let people get to me-- I let them make me cry and doubt myself and question my own ability but one thing I never let them do, was break my spirit. No matter what I was faced with, I still had the desire to keep going. The hunger was still there to make it & to prove them all wrong. 

Here I stand with my big girl pants on, in the real world, with everyone scrutinizing my every move. It's literally like being in the circle-- where everyone gets a piece & you have no choice but to keep going. To do whatever it takes to stay standing. To fight through the pain and suck up the doubt.

A very smart Jersey boy once said, the more things change, the more they stay the same. 

And thus, in the face of any adversity, it's sink or swim. Really though, it's swim.

Failing is not an option; sinking is not a possibility.

Messy hair & skinned up knees

What a fabulous weekend with family, I must say! I left work at noon on Friday and headed straight to Orlando to meet up with Debbie, Kate & Taylor. We had so much catching up to do. We went down to Boardwalk-- which, might I add, is a far cry from the boardwalk we're used to-- for dinner at Flying Fish. The food was great! We walked around Epcot for a while while determined to keep Taylor awake to see the favorite part of Disney: the laser light show. I hope she enjoyed it :) Never imagined how funny that little girl would be. Her constant comments had us laughing till we cried, all night long. Saturday morning we went to breakfast where we got to see a few characters. Seeing how excited Taylor got, made me feel like a little kid again. She was so exhausted, she fell asleep right in the middle of breakfast, glasses on, head resting on a napkin. It was adorable. We went to Hollywood studios for a little while after breakfast but with Taylor being so tired, it didn't last long. When we got back to the room, I got my stuff together to head back to Marco for dinner. 

On my ride up, which was about four hours, left me alone with my thoughts. I used to have more than enough down time to be alone with my thoughts when I drove to the east coast multiple times a week. Not so much anymore. I didn't have a whole lot on my mind accept for the fact that it feels good to finally be living to the fullest. I was driving down back country roads (which I should know better is no place for a Jersey girl) but I was surely all alone. I found myself with the music blaring and singing at the top of my lungs.

She grew up on side of the road

Where the church bells right & strong love grows

She grew up good

She grew up slow

Like American honey

Steady as a preacher

Free as a weed

Couldn't wait to get goin'

But wasn't quite ready to leave

So innocent, pure & sweet

American honey

Made me realize how content I am with where I am right now. That I did grow up slow. I grew up going to church and wearing a uniform. I grew up climbing trees & riding bikes. Free-spirited, with messy hair and skinned knees. My sister was my best friend & on summer nights, my dad & I would slow dance on the back porch. I matured as nature intended.

It was a much needed reminder of my roots. Of who I am- if you take every outside factor away- on the inside..down to my core. It was a breath of fresh air that I am still that girl and now, I have the means to focus on that girl. That for years now, I've been rushing through life, hurrying to the finish line, wishing time away. I couldn't wait to get going. Now, I'm not sure I'm quite ready to leave. I'm content letting time do it's job. Allowing things to happen as nature intends.


In the meantime, I will be reconnecting with my faith, discovering new passions, making a difference & being that same free-spirit, running around with bare feet and a suntan, hopefully, one day, someone else will love as much as I love being me :)

Good things happen too!

I figured since the past few blogs haven't been too chipper, I'd write about some fun stuff that's been going on... in sequential order :)


First off, we should probably go back to last week.  I have the greatest friend ever (!!!) who got us tickets to Taylor Swift in concert this June at the Bank Atlantic Center!  I had no idea they were even going on sale until I got my 'morning project' last Thursday to be on TicketMaster at 10am to get the 'best tickets available.'  After that, we proceeded to dance around the office, giggling, as if we were 12-years-old.  Now if June could just hurry up a little bit, that would be perfect :)


The next thing-- #19 in my Bucket List is to attend a Yankee/Red Sox game.  I figured what better way to do it than with one of my dearest sorority sisters--who just so happens to be a Boston native and a die heart Red Sox fan.  This little rivalry has been a thorn in the side of our friendship, pretty much since the day we pledged Tri Delta together, the fall of 2007.  Goodness Jenn, we're old as dirt; some more than others ;)  After having to decided whether to go to this Spring Training game on March 4th or get new Lilly dresses, I became determined to do both.  We ended up getting the tickets for $25 each! Mmhm. We can do both :)  We're both so excited; 17 days & counting.  I get to mark another experience off my bucket list & spend it with my most loved rival ever. 


I got a huge surprise last week through a Facebook message, from my cousin Debbie, saying that her & her daughter Taylor we're coming, from New Jersey, to Orlando this weekend.  I was thrilled that Debbie let me know & said that it was okay that I met them up there.  Not living in Jersey anymore, it's difficult to see my little cousins grow up so quickly and not be able to have a relationship with them.  My biggest fear is all my baby cousins that I adore, will essentially grow up not knowing who I am.  I treasure these moments I do get to spend with my family.  Debbie is also one of my cousins I've looked up to my entire life so getting to catch up with her will be wonderful!  I also found out that last minute another one of my cousins Kate, who is only a year older than me, will also be visiting.  I'm more excited than Taylor would be if she knew she was coming!  That's right, she has no idea that she's coming to Disney!  I wish I could see her face when she finds out; it will surely be priceless.  I was able to work until 5:00pm everyday this week so I can leave at noon on Friday.  I'm heading up to Orlando straight from there :-D


I'm headed to bed early tonight; this week's been exhausting.  Have so much work I need to get done for my Dad.  I'm really trying to get his website together so it can take off.  I'm determined to get it to move up the search results organically.  If you feel the urge, it's http://www.marcoislandluxuryproperties.com/.  The site has a blog too if you'd like to follow all that's going on around the island.


Last, but certainly not least, before I go to bed, I thought I should mention that I had a Valentine's day from a fairytale story.  It was everything a little girl believes that Valentine's day should be like.  Then you grow up & realize it isn't really like that.  At least most of the time it isn't.  It's refreshing to be proven wrong.  So far, it's all been pleasantly refreshing :)


Off to bed.  Glad I finally stopped to realize all the wonderful things happening around me.  To  take time and look at the positives instead of dwelling on this void.  I've decided to find something else to release the built-up competitive drive and fill the void.  Until then, we'll tey and keep it on a positive note.

"I have to..."

Wow.  Where has the week gone?  Feels like the days drag on, but you turn around and the week is over. There have been lots of emotions and lots of thinking since the last time I've posted.


I just had a short conversation with an old, I suppose you could say, friend.  A comment was made stating "I have to." I surprised myself... twice... with my immediate reaction. Part of me thought, I know what that's like;  it used to be one of my infamous lines in, what I like to refer to as, my old life. However, my initial reaction is no you don't!  Isn't that what we've all waited for our entire life? To be an adult & make our own decisions, exactly how we want to make them & not a single person can tell us otherwise. That's what was most exciting for me when I entered official adulthood. So why did I spend so much of my life saying, 'I have to?' It's simply explained but not so easily understood...even by me.

Athletes become stuck in this life of routine and predictability. Become used to having other people make decisions for you-- you essentially surrender your ability to make decisions independently. Life becomes a whirlwind of goals and desires and competitiveness, combined with blood, sweat and, in my case, tons & tons of tears, an empty stomach & bloodshot eyes, plane tickets, hotel rooms and strange places, all held together with the glue of passion and desires. It was years of my life that I wouldn't change for the world...or would I?


I practically have my breath taken away each time I open the trunk of my car, to see a Nike bag full of gear that may never be strapped on a body again, let alone see an actual ring.  I still do not know how to go through an entire workout without picking my leg up.  I hunger to scream with passion when making contact with another body, understanding that it may, very well, never happen again.


As I finally find the courage to walk away, I forced myself into an emotional disconnect to see the reality of the situation.  Simply put, at the end of the day, the bottom line is, it was time to move on.  As I type that, I know it is true;  I know it is time but, if that's the case, than why is it a day-to-day struggle of regret and a screaming desire to keep trying.  I constantly read about athletes and their accomplishments, about their goal to retire on a positive note and if not, they keep going.  I mentally criticize myself;  that I am weak, that I took it for granted, that I was careless with the situations I allowed myself to get into & that, essentially, I let someone else dictate my fate.


At the end of the day, this is life as we know it.


I came across an article the other day regarding Olympic athletes.  This part of the article really hit home:


                         '...when it's a choice between unbridled freedom or the structure they have      been used to since first entering the gym as a kid, the latter wins- hands down.'


                         'It's nice to wake up in the morning, know what I'm going to do, know where I'm going. It is easier mentally for me to have that than wake up and say, "I have nothing to do today.'"


                         'I miss being structured.'


Yeah! I feel ya! But do we want structure for the right reasons?  Is it simply that it's comfortable; that it is all we've ever known?  Is that not what life is all about?  I'm pretty sure the real challenge in life lies in the ability to make those decisions, independently.  Of course it's easier when there's a coach there telling you what to eat, when to eat, when to sleep, when to train, how to train... and the only line that is yours is, "I have to."  Actually, we don't have to.  We get so wrapped up in passion and wanting to be the best, that we do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, for that chance to be on top.  I was never the best & not even close; that is something that may never leave my conscience for as long as I live.  If not, so be it.  


When it is all said and done, I didn't have to walk away, I chose to.


I chose to start my career, to have a social life, to give back to the community & to care about what other people want, not just what I want.  I've accepted that, as I type this, there are people out there calling me a quitter.  I'm officially the "what ever happened to..." girl.  I also know that I've disappointed people for more reasons than one & I'm certain I've let people down.  I've chosen to leave people in my past because maybe, just maybe, some bridges are meant to be burned.


Whatever the word on the streets are regarding my decision, I cannot let it effect the way I feel about myself.  After all, that is how I found myself in this situation to begin with.  Whether this choice will morph into a regret somewhere down the road, has yet to be determined.  It was a choice I made, at the time, that best fit where I was in life.  If that is not enough justification for my decision, than nothing will be.


For now, I'm taking every day in as if it's the last experience I'll have.  I will feel these emotions of regret, envy, defeat, excitement, curiosity and tons more, everyday for the rest of my life.  But I did ask for that didn't I?  Yes I did.  I want to feel it all, everyday, all the time.  To take it all in & let it all out.


I am no longer just an athlete. I am much more than that now & I will be much more tomorrow, than I am today.

A heart big enough to change the world

With all the things that have been going on the past few days, has just reinforced why I have chosen to embark on this journey. As many reflect back on the life and times of a good friend, who has left us all too soon, it has made me reevaluate my own life and I have been forced to see the truth in our mindset & behaviors. At this point in our lives, I feel we honestly believe we are truly invincible. By we, I mean those I associate with. We're young and educated and come from great families and wonderful support systems and are, by all means necessary, bound to change the world. Tragedies don't happen to people like us. Right? Wrong. Statistics and tragedies do not discriminate and they certainly do not warn. They come in all shapes and size, every day of every week, taking loved ones far too soon.


In this recent crisis, I believe that her heart was, in fact, big enough to change the world. But, has she done that already? The sequence of events that took place that dreadful Friday were published one time-- & that was when I really searched for the truth. Somehow the reality was covered up by the outpour of love for such a wonderful woman, which is, no doubt, undeniable. Regardless, that is just another opportunity for her to change the world. By letting us all, who think we're invincible, know that we are not. That accidents happen. That regardless of how many times we text & drive or play with our hair or fix our make-up, and arrive to our destination safely, it's still a risk we all take. All of this goes specifically for myself, but I know I'm not alone. My Panhellanic Pal was, without question, unforgettably one-of-a-kind, who certainly had a heart big enough to change the world of those she loved. Though she is no longer with here, I can only wish that she remain a life lessons in the day-to-day life of every single person she's touched.


She brought people together when they needed it most. She showed us how to laugh a little bit louder. She's whole-heartedly warned every fraternity woman and man to hold our brothers & sisters a little bit tighter & a little bit longer. Taught us all to love each other a whole lot more. Again, I can only hope, she has proven that we are not invincible-- that nothing is worth risking your golden years for.