Wow. Where has the week gone? Feels like the days drag on, but you turn around and the week is over. There have been lots of emotions and lots of thinking since the last time I've posted.
I just had a short conversation with an old, I suppose you could say, friend. A comment was made stating "I have to." I surprised myself... twice... with my immediate reaction. Part of me thought, I know what that's like; it used to be one of my infamous lines in, what I like to refer to as, my old life. However, my initial reaction is no you don't! Isn't that what we've all waited for our entire life? To be an adult & make our own decisions, exactly how we want to make them & not a single person can tell us otherwise. That's what was most exciting for me when I entered official adulthood. So why did I spend so much of my life saying, 'I have to?' It's simply explained but not so easily understood...even by me.
Athletes become stuck in this life of routine and predictability. Become used to having other people make decisions for you-- you essentially surrender your ability to make decisions independently. Life becomes a whirlwind of goals and desires and competitiveness, combined with blood, sweat and, in my case, tons & tons of tears, an empty stomach & bloodshot eyes, plane tickets, hotel rooms and strange places, all held together with the glue of passion and desires. It was years of my life that I wouldn't change for the world...or would I?
I practically have my breath taken away each time I open the trunk of my car, to see a Nike bag full of gear that may never be strapped on a body again, let alone see an actual ring. I still do not know how to go through an entire workout without picking my leg up. I hunger to scream with passion when making contact with another body, understanding that it may, very well, never happen again.
As I finally find the courage to walk away, I forced myself into an emotional disconnect to see the reality of the situation. Simply put, at the end of the day, the bottom line is, it was time to move on. As I type that, I know it is true; I know it is time but, if that's the case, than why is it a day-to-day struggle of regret and a screaming desire to keep trying. I constantly read about athletes and their accomplishments, about their goal to retire on a positive note and if not, they keep going. I mentally criticize myself; that I am weak, that I took it for granted, that I was careless with the situations I allowed myself to get into & that, essentially, I let someone else dictate my fate.
At the end of the day, this is life as we know it.
I came across an article the other day regarding Olympic athletes. This part of the article really hit home:
'...when it's a choice between unbridled freedom or the structure they have been used to since first entering the gym as a kid, the latter wins- hands down.'
'It's nice to wake up in the morning, know what I'm going to do, know where I'm going. It is easier mentally for me to have that than wake up and say, "I have nothing to do today.'"
'I miss being structured.'
Yeah! I feel ya! But do we want structure for the right reasons? Is it simply that it's comfortable; that it is all we've ever known? Is that not what life is all about? I'm pretty sure the real challenge in life lies in the ability to make those decisions, independently. Of course it's easier when there's a coach there telling you what to eat, when to eat, when to sleep, when to train, how to train... and the only line that is yours is, "I have to." Actually, we don't have to. We get so wrapped up in passion and wanting to be the best, that we do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, for that chance to be on top. I was never the best & not even close; that is something that may never leave my conscience for as long as I live. If not, so be it.
When it is all said and done, I didn't have to walk away, I chose to.
I chose to start my career, to have a social life, to give back to the community & to care about what other people want, not just what I want. I've accepted that, as I type this, there are people out there calling me a quitter. I'm officially the "what ever happened to..." girl. I also know that I've disappointed people for more reasons than one & I'm certain I've let people down. I've chosen to leave people in my past because maybe, just maybe, some bridges are meant to be burned.
Whatever the word on the streets are regarding my decision, I cannot let it effect the way I feel about myself. After all, that is how I found myself in this situation to begin with. Whether this choice will morph into a regret somewhere down the road, has yet to be determined. It was a choice I made, at the time, that best fit where I was in life. If that is not enough justification for my decision, than nothing will be.
For now, I'm taking every day in as if it's the last experience I'll have. I will feel these emotions of regret, envy, defeat, excitement, curiosity and tons more, everyday for the rest of my life. But I did ask for that didn't I? Yes I did. I want to feel it all, everyday, all the time. To take it all in & let it all out.
I am no longer just an athlete. I am much more than that now & I will be much more tomorrow, than I am today.
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