humble & hungry

'Be humble and hungry.' I've heard it more times than I can count or have I?

In, what I like to call my old life, I heard that phrase as frequently as the words 'focus.. breathe.. concentrate.. listen.. kick faster.. yell louder!' I say I heard it but did I really listen to it? I grasped the whole be hungry part. All I wanted to do was kick faster and yell louder than the person standing next to me. I was hungry all the time. Figuratively. Literally, too. I never felt as though I wasn't humble until tonight.

This royal blue bag at my feet holds an unimaginable amount of memories and emotions and life lessons and accomplishments and hurt. I cringe at the thought of it. I've tried to get rid of it so many times but I can't. I woke up this weekend and I am ready. I am hungry. I am humbled. I roll my eyes at the thought of having that conversation. The one that means the world to the girl delivering and essentially nothing to the one receiving. Guts will be spilled. Emotions will surface. This girl will speak the words naturally. Inside, she will choke. I have to humble myself. I sat outside that gym tonight and starred. Starred for nearly an hour. I'm sure they noticed. I was paralyzed. I could gather myself enough to venture to the door. It made me beg and wish and long for my old life back. Routined. Familiar. Predictable. Easy. That isn't what life is all about. It's about being humble and being scared. Confronting my gear and holding myself together. It's about picking up the pieces and moving forward. If we stay where we are, that's the only place we'll ever be. I want to live the length of my time and the width and the height. I want to feel it all.

The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

Where I don't let success get to my head or failure get to my heart.

Be humble and hungry.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Well, this girl let this day pass without being humble enough. She wasn't hungry enough. She certainly and most definitely bailed like a complete coward when she had the perfect, beyond perfect, opportunity to conquer something that is scary.

Tomorrow is another day. Another chance to be great. I will have that dreaded conversation and enjoy it for the end result, will be success. Will be humbling. Will kick off a new adventure. They may not know my name but I assure, as I have before, they will. The day will come where they ask about my past because they care. They'll respect me. I will work for it. In the meantime, I will be hungry and humble. Look fear in the eyes and giggle.

Giggle in my short, blonde, girly-girl self and pursue that passion; light the fire and end the night knowing, I did one thing today that scares me.

A look back at the year

With 4th of July weekend quickly approaching, it's difficult not to think about where I was and what I was doing this time last year.  Maybe because prior to this year, 4th of July was virtually non-existent or maybe because this year, it is.  It feel like that part of my life is so much further away than just a year; that the people who meant the world to me, I no longer communicate with.

Exactly a year ago, I was on the second floor of a convention center, dressed in enough layers for ski slopes, physically and emotionally weak in every sense of the word; wishing time away.  It wasn't all enjoyable but I did (and still would) long for the end result.  The struggles, the hard work, the pain-- all things I am proud of.  I've defied my own abilities and that journey has shaped me into the woman I am.  I understand what I am capable of. I've proved it time and time again. As with all wonderful things, you eventually reach the last page of the chapter. It was all part of what I lived for, what I loved and what I eventually had to leave behind. To move on. To grow. To start my life in reality.

It's undoubtedly a bittersweet sensation and continues as a daily struggle, I can't help but strive for peace. Peace within the situation. Peace within myself. I'm still searching for my silver lining because I believe it exists.

Believe.

Cross it off, chalk it off

No better time than the present right? We can go ahead and cross off the trusty Bucket list,

• permanently delete Facebook

I know I said from the beginning that I was well aware that there would be days when I would be totally and completely out of my comfort zone. I said it like I was perfectly fine with it-- which I thought I would be. Thought it would be new and fun and exciting. I couldn't have been more wrong. I am, always have been, the type of person to own up to my mistakes, to own what I've done and admit when I am wrong. With that, I was always forgiven; it was always a lesson learned.

Well, I suppose, here's my big, warm "welcome to the real world." I have spent the past two days in tears, on edge and more than ever, wanting my old life back. I would, without question, trade the past two days for the worse days training, ever had to offer. For ladder drills up to twenty and back down again, for being put in the circle, for a timed 5k on a torn hamstring or a kick to the face with the mirror breaking my fall. I'd take a loss to someone I've already beaten, I'd take the mental games, the put downs, the let downs and the tears. I'd take it all because I knew it was worth it. I knew that the day would end and the next day would begin-- maybe better, maybe worse.  There was no denying that eventually, days or weeks or months down the road, there would be one day where it was all worth it. Where every drop of blood, sweat and tears would pay off in pride and glory and success.

Looking at the situation like that, I suppose that's life. There are, and always will be, days where people knock you down, put you down and even kick you when you're already down & the worse part? There is no center referee to break it up, to make the calls, to warn you or deduct points. It is just you against your opponent, and these days, that opponent may very well be the entire world-- or at least, what feels like the entire world.

There were many times I let people get to me-- I let them make me cry and doubt myself and question my own ability but one thing I never let them do, was break my spirit. No matter what I was faced with, I still had the desire to keep going. The hunger was still there to make it & to prove them all wrong. 

Here I stand with my big girl pants on, in the real world, with everyone scrutinizing my every move. It's literally like being in the circle-- where everyone gets a piece & you have no choice but to keep going. To do whatever it takes to stay standing. To fight through the pain and suck up the doubt.

A very smart Jersey boy once said, the more things change, the more they stay the same. 

And thus, in the face of any adversity, it's sink or swim. Really though, it's swim.

Failing is not an option; sinking is not a possibility.

"I have to..."

Wow.  Where has the week gone?  Feels like the days drag on, but you turn around and the week is over. There have been lots of emotions and lots of thinking since the last time I've posted.


I just had a short conversation with an old, I suppose you could say, friend.  A comment was made stating "I have to." I surprised myself... twice... with my immediate reaction. Part of me thought, I know what that's like;  it used to be one of my infamous lines in, what I like to refer to as, my old life. However, my initial reaction is no you don't!  Isn't that what we've all waited for our entire life? To be an adult & make our own decisions, exactly how we want to make them & not a single person can tell us otherwise. That's what was most exciting for me when I entered official adulthood. So why did I spend so much of my life saying, 'I have to?' It's simply explained but not so easily understood...even by me.

Athletes become stuck in this life of routine and predictability. Become used to having other people make decisions for you-- you essentially surrender your ability to make decisions independently. Life becomes a whirlwind of goals and desires and competitiveness, combined with blood, sweat and, in my case, tons & tons of tears, an empty stomach & bloodshot eyes, plane tickets, hotel rooms and strange places, all held together with the glue of passion and desires. It was years of my life that I wouldn't change for the world...or would I?


I practically have my breath taken away each time I open the trunk of my car, to see a Nike bag full of gear that may never be strapped on a body again, let alone see an actual ring.  I still do not know how to go through an entire workout without picking my leg up.  I hunger to scream with passion when making contact with another body, understanding that it may, very well, never happen again.


As I finally find the courage to walk away, I forced myself into an emotional disconnect to see the reality of the situation.  Simply put, at the end of the day, the bottom line is, it was time to move on.  As I type that, I know it is true;  I know it is time but, if that's the case, than why is it a day-to-day struggle of regret and a screaming desire to keep trying.  I constantly read about athletes and their accomplishments, about their goal to retire on a positive note and if not, they keep going.  I mentally criticize myself;  that I am weak, that I took it for granted, that I was careless with the situations I allowed myself to get into & that, essentially, I let someone else dictate my fate.


At the end of the day, this is life as we know it.


I came across an article the other day regarding Olympic athletes.  This part of the article really hit home:


                         '...when it's a choice between unbridled freedom or the structure they have      been used to since first entering the gym as a kid, the latter wins- hands down.'


                         'It's nice to wake up in the morning, know what I'm going to do, know where I'm going. It is easier mentally for me to have that than wake up and say, "I have nothing to do today.'"


                         'I miss being structured.'


Yeah! I feel ya! But do we want structure for the right reasons?  Is it simply that it's comfortable; that it is all we've ever known?  Is that not what life is all about?  I'm pretty sure the real challenge in life lies in the ability to make those decisions, independently.  Of course it's easier when there's a coach there telling you what to eat, when to eat, when to sleep, when to train, how to train... and the only line that is yours is, "I have to."  Actually, we don't have to.  We get so wrapped up in passion and wanting to be the best, that we do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, for that chance to be on top.  I was never the best & not even close; that is something that may never leave my conscience for as long as I live.  If not, so be it.  


When it is all said and done, I didn't have to walk away, I chose to.


I chose to start my career, to have a social life, to give back to the community & to care about what other people want, not just what I want.  I've accepted that, as I type this, there are people out there calling me a quitter.  I'm officially the "what ever happened to..." girl.  I also know that I've disappointed people for more reasons than one & I'm certain I've let people down.  I've chosen to leave people in my past because maybe, just maybe, some bridges are meant to be burned.


Whatever the word on the streets are regarding my decision, I cannot let it effect the way I feel about myself.  After all, that is how I found myself in this situation to begin with.  Whether this choice will morph into a regret somewhere down the road, has yet to be determined.  It was a choice I made, at the time, that best fit where I was in life.  If that is not enough justification for my decision, than nothing will be.


For now, I'm taking every day in as if it's the last experience I'll have.  I will feel these emotions of regret, envy, defeat, excitement, curiosity and tons more, everyday for the rest of my life.  But I did ask for that didn't I?  Yes I did.  I want to feel it all, everyday, all the time.  To take it all in & let it all out.


I am no longer just an athlete. I am much more than that now & I will be much more tomorrow, than I am today.