Better Friends

You have friends and you have better friends. Most importantly though, you have core friends.

They laugh with me the way my sister and I giggle till our abs ache; have witnessed, first hand, streams of tears when my feelings are disregarded. Core friends understand my tough exterior is merely that, an exterior, and their reaction to the vinyl wall quote I hold up in the middle of a Target isle at 8:00 on a Tuesday night asking, "how do you feel about this?" is "not bad... well, the beige bothers me." I put it back on the rack. Not because she didn't like it but because she inconceivably pin-pointed the reason I just wasn't sold on the vinyl quote. It was all the beige.

I once read that a woman should never have a 'best' friend. Friends should not be ordered, for each serves a unique purpose in life. I do however, recognize that fact that I have core friends. We talk about our lives together. There are many 'when we have children, promise me we will do that with them' and even more 'tell me right now our husbands will be friends, too.'  That promise was made. Those men have no choice, now. That's the best part about it though: we'll wait for those men. For that time. For our time.

There will come a day when we will pick up the phone to a screaming voice saying, I'm engaged, and another day it will be, I'm pregnant. We will celebrate the happiness of our friends. We'll drool over diamonds. They will hold me together when I walk down that isle and I will, without question, reciprocate. There will be afternoons where we'll rub growing bellies and find humor in the bellybutton poking out.We will love one another's children as if they are our own. We will kiss them and hold them and love them and celebrate them.  We will celebrate.

There will be days where we look into the eyes of these God sent woman and say I can't do it. I will hold them with no intention of letting go. Only then, when they find the strength within themselves to keep going, I will unwrap my arms but never will I let go of their hand. I wish I could say that we will never have days or weeks or even months where we feel that monkey jumping on our back. The weight on our shoulders that is too heavy to carry alone. Times where we feel like we just can't. At 20-something-years-old, there will be those times. The sun will rise again and we will celebrate. Celebrate another victory; an obstacle overcome.

We will celebrate with pink drinks in fancy glasses, high heels and the unspoken admiration for one another.

We will celebrate.

Opened my eyes

Recently tumbling in my newest obsession, I came across this.  By accident really. My attention was initially focused on reading this. Becky's stories about her precious blonde beauty E have been added to the list of 'things I read daily.' It centers around her and her husband and her little bundle of adorableness. Her writing is honest and humorous and educational for first time moms. I'm not, nor am I anywhere close to being a first time mom but none-the-less, I find comfort in her words. I dream of being my future husbands best friend. I can't wait to be a wife. To take a new name. To have a cold ring occupy my left hand. I want to build a home together. When the day comes that I hold my own creation in my arms, I want to remember the days I read about the lives of others and longed to be in their shoes. I want to remember just how badly I wanted it all. I want to make sure I appreciate that day more than I ever imagined my heart could appreciate. I want to bring that new part of us to a home that my best friend and I made a reality. I want to watch the fluttering eyes of my little miracle in the dimness of the hallway light, while brushed up against the other half of my creation. I want my heart to burst with gratitude when I open my eyes each morning. I am eager for the 'butterfly kisses' fluttering in my tummy while I draw in my final breaths of the day.

I want to look back at this day-- and this day and this day-- and reflect on how far I've come. The sacrifices, struggles, tears and the heartache but more importantly, I want to taste the happiness, the excitement, feel the warm hugs and the pure, genuine love of my family and the family I have yet to meet.  I want to remember every moment that leads me to that night. I want to live every, single moment until that very night.

I get it. I sound just like every twenty something-year-old sorority girl who fantasizes over the day her daddy walks her down the isle at the wedding of her dreams. No. It's not like that. That's not where I'm going with this.

Normal day, normal reads. I was here when Becky posted this about little Nella's breathtaking birth story. Being the 'mommy blog junkie' that I am, it was like a little elf jumped on my index finger and forced me to click that link without even consulting my brain. Wherever that little outside force is, I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my being.

I'd suggest to anyone who asks (and even to those who don't) to visit the blog of this lovely lady who may, or may not have opened my eyes to life. Not a new life, not a better life or even a different life, just life. I vow to soak in every sunny day and to splurge on fresh flowers for my bedroom. Toss my plans into the wind and just drive. Swim in the gulf; in my clothes if I don't have a swimsuit. Be a better friend & celebrate others big moments and tiny occasions alike. Strive to walk closer to the Lord and lessen the 'stranger gap' between acquaintances. Deeply and sincerely love each individual for who & what they are, not what I want them to be.

I hate being cliche, I  simply won't do it. I am different. I'm not like every other girl. I'm just not. I have to learn to be vulnerable & this is where I dump my feels and spill my guts. There are times my fingers insist on typing things my heart feels but my head is too stubborn to admit. It's the fear of being cliche. I live in the same small little beach town as Kelle & Lainey & Nella. We share the same white, sandy beaches, drive the same roads and sit in traffic with the same wrinkly snowbirdies & there is more of a chance than not, that's all we'll ever share. It may not be in the plans for us to ever cross path. That's ok. Here we go. My fingers and heart are ganging up on my head and forcing me to admit this. These three amazing, genuine, loving women have opened my eyes to the world. To life. I don't even know them but they have changed me. They have each changed me for the better.

& I will leave it at that...for now.

A look back at the year

With 4th of July weekend quickly approaching, it's difficult not to think about where I was and what I was doing this time last year.  Maybe because prior to this year, 4th of July was virtually non-existent or maybe because this year, it is.  It feel like that part of my life is so much further away than just a year; that the people who meant the world to me, I no longer communicate with.

Exactly a year ago, I was on the second floor of a convention center, dressed in enough layers for ski slopes, physically and emotionally weak in every sense of the word; wishing time away.  It wasn't all enjoyable but I did (and still would) long for the end result.  The struggles, the hard work, the pain-- all things I am proud of.  I've defied my own abilities and that journey has shaped me into the woman I am.  I understand what I am capable of. I've proved it time and time again. As with all wonderful things, you eventually reach the last page of the chapter. It was all part of what I lived for, what I loved and what I eventually had to leave behind. To move on. To grow. To start my life in reality.

It's undoubtedly a bittersweet sensation and continues as a daily struggle, I can't help but strive for peace. Peace within the situation. Peace within myself. I'm still searching for my silver lining because I believe it exists.

Believe.